UCLA A.D. Dan Guerrero and head football coach Jim L. Mora have a conversation

Jim Mora: Hey Dan, can I talk to you for a bit?

Dan Guerrero: Hey Jim! I’m actually a little busy. I was about to devour this HUGE piece of bacon.

DG: … so can it wait?

JM: Y’know, I don’t think so, Dan. It’s about the facilities here at UCLA.

DG: Oh, no …

DG: … Not you, too, Jim.

JM: Yeah. Well, they suck, and we could really use an upgrade especially since I’m really feeling the pressure from the fan-base, students and alumni to produce this season. I want to make sure my guys have everything we need.

DG: (Starts to rub his face into his hands, as a small whimper lets out.) Jim, let’s talk about something else. Hey, did you know you look like Mark Wahlberg? He’s a stud. I have a picture of him hung up on my wall.

JM: That’s nice … and honestly a little creepy. But we need to focus, Dan.

DG: He’s just such a handsome man … you’re a handsome man, too, Jim.

JM: Dammit, Dan, focus!

DG: Let me let you in on a little secret, Jim. I didn’t hire you on accident — people think I do stupid things on accident, but they don’t realize that every stupid thing I do is on purpose. So do you know why I hired you, Jim?

JM: To turn around the UCLA football program that’s been the epitome of mediocre for a decade …

DG: No, no, don’t be silly. I hired you so I wouldn’t have to deal with lofty expectations and so I wouldn’t have to hear criticism from coaches the way I have heard it from guys like Karl Dorrell and Rick Neuheisel. They wouldn’t stop whining and moaning. About the facilities, about the coaching staff, blah, blah, blah. I got so annoyed, Jim. I blessed them with a job. Shouldn’t that be enough?

JM: (In his head) Just smile, Jim. Smile … Just smile. Don’t punch him in the face. Don’t. Punch him. In the face. DO NOT. PUNCH HIM. IN THE FUCKING. FACE!!!! 

DG: I’m glad you understand, Jim. Here, let’s split this bacon.

JM: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHH! WHAT THE F*** IS YOUR DEAL, DAN??? WHY THE F*** ARE YOU SUCH AN IDIOT???!?!? YOUR ASS NEEDS TO GO, DAN. DAMMIT! DAMMMMMITTTT! DO YOU REALIZE HOW CRAPPY THE UCLA FOOTBALL TEAM HAS BEEN?!?! DO YOU!??!!?!?

DG: Geez, Jim, tell me how you really feel.

JM: This is how I feel, Dan.

DG: That was seriously unnecessary, and I forgive you. Now …

DG … how about some of that bacon?!

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